A few weeks ago, I found a Groupon for a great deal on a 90-minute Thai massage here in Paris. Before I purchased, I checked to make sure the place was legit and well-reviewed, which it was. Done. Deal purchased, and online appointment booked. I forgot about the part when it came time to actually have the massage (earlier today), when I was desperately trying to understand what the lovely Thai woman was saying to me in French. What type of massage do I want? I don't know, whatever I signed up for. Am I supposed to take off all my clothes? Some of them? None of them? I reverted to a happy medium, although I'm pretty sure she told me to strip down to my birthday suit. This is not the first time I have had a "confused massage" experience. I can't help but laugh when I think about all of the times I have paid money to feel like such an idiot in my quest to have the stress kneaded and stretched out of my body. So here are my top five most memorable and/or confusing massage experiences, in descending order of awkwardness: #5: Kidnapped in Bangkok Got your attention, right? So I wasn't actually kidnapped. I just had the quintessential Thai experience of telling a taxi driver a specific destination - the massage parlor recommended by a staffer at the Embassy where we had appointments for 8pm sharp - and the taxi driver deciding he was instead going to drive us to his buddy's massage parlor. That was probably the third time on that trip a taxi driver had hijacked our plans in order to get a little kick-back for dropping us off at a friend's establishment, but messing with our massage plans was just too much. I unfastened my seatbelt, and leaned as far to the front of the cab as I could, and proceeded to tell that little Thai man exactly how unimpressed we were with his detour, and demanded he drive us to the damn place we asked him to cart our stressed-out carcasses in the first place. Not exactly the most zen intro to a Thai massage, but memorable nevertheless. #4 : Man-handled by Mongolians
I found myself in Ulan Bator, Mongolia a few years ago for work. It was an unexpectedly wonderful place to visit, especially since I didn't have to pay the ridiculous airfare to get there (right, JS and GK?). We were staying at one of the nicer hotels in town, the Chinggis Khan, which is not saying much in fact, as it felt like a Russian outpost built 50 years ago and subsequently left to its own devices (though it looks like it's had a makeover since). What the Chinggis lacked in basic amenities and cleanliness, it more than made up for by offering hearty Mongolian women in the "spa" to thoroughly pound and yank your body back into submission. I think these ladies doubled as wrestlers and chiropractors in their free time. Relaxing? Not a chance. But it was seriously the best massage I have ever had, hands down. #3 : Bare in Bali This one is not as glamorous as it sounds. My first and only trip to Bali was for work in 2012, and because the organizers of the meeting booked the venue so late, we ended up staying in Kuta; aka, Australian backpacker central. The hotel we stayed in had seen better days (the 80s), and I actually slept fully clothed and on a towel because the place was so disgusting. Not to mention the rooster outside the window who decided that 3am was a great time to start crowing, and didn't stop for another six hours or so. When the meetings were over, three of us ladies decided to head across the street to a cheap massage parlor to relax after a long few days. This seemingly innocent event turned into all of us topless in one communal room without curtains or doors. The Balinese women didn't appear to have a problem with this, so we rolled with it, and now I have a story to tell for my third most awkward massage experience. #2: The Beijing paper panty caper In 2004, I found myself in China for grad school with two of my favorite ladies still to this day. When we were in Beijing, we paid next to nothing for an hour-long massage at a local place recommended by one of our colleagues. The massage ladies spoke no English (of course), and left us in a room with paper undies and paper "bra" with no further instructions. Over underwear? Instead of underwear? Obligatory? Optional? We found this situation utterly hilarious, probably because it was one of our first encounters of this sort. In no time at all, we had those paper undies unfolded and on our heads like a shower cap, in self-mockery of the situation we found ourselves in. We were doubled-over with laughter; which made the massage ladies start giggling at us on the other side of the door, adding to the ridiculousness of it all. There is photographic evidence of this somewhere, but it's embargoed. #1 : Shanghai "facials" My all-time most confusing and hilarious massage experience was also in China with Lady R, but this one was in Shanghai. At that point, we had been traveling through China for a month, and decided to treat ourselves to a spa day - a massage and facial were quite extravagant during grad school. The massage went miraculously without a hitch, but they didn't offer facials so we had to book at a second spa. This is where things get dicey. We were handed flowery muumuus and tiny sandals (that did not fit our large Anglo lady feet), and were motioned to shower and change. Wait, shower? That's a first. Having passed on the communal shower, we were taken to a joint room where we were motioned to lay on our stomachs. This seemed to both of us like a very strange request seeing that our faces would be buried in a pillow instead of exposed for facial-ing. We could not convince our facial ladies of this logic, so on our stomaches we go. After being left alone for about 20 minutes wondering what the hell was going, our ladies came back, one of whom promptly yanked my muumuu down to my waist and placed a towel over the back of my head. This is where it all came undone. I start laughing uncontrollably, and Lady R started laughing uncontrollably at the site of me shaking up and down on the table next to her looking like a half-naked fool. What sort of crazy Chinese facial was happening to us? We decided at that exact moment to just go with it. There was absolutely no use in trying to pantomime anymore that a facial happens to your face. As it turned out, facials at that fine establishment also came with a massage - so we got there eventually, but man was that ever a moment completely lost in translation. *** After all this time, you would think I would learn not to seek out, and pay for, these types of experiences when outside of English-speaking territory. I am apparently a glutton for punishment, as I fully plan to continue my pursuit of a good massage for a good deal, wherever it can be found. Feel free to share your massage experience in the comments (keep it PG people) - I can't be the only one here.
3 Comments
Lady R
4/22/2014 01:16:22 am
I feel SO honored to have been a part of two of these awkward massages. I have nothing to add, your summaries are spot on.
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Lady R
4/22/2014 01:20:28 am
Also, I won't ever be able to read/talk/think about the Shanghai facial without totally losing it! Love you lady!
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Kelsey
5/1/2014 06:59:17 am
I actually had forgotten some of the details until I started trying to tell the story again - it was truly amazing, and I believe was perhaps the moment we were bonded in friendship for life ;)
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